Forskere ved Gottman-instituttet har i mange tiår forsøkt å finne ut hva som skader og styrker et kjærlighetsforhold. De har kommet frem til fire spesielt giftige ingredienser: Kritikk, forakt forsvar og avstenging. I videoen under forklarer de mer, og gir noen tips til hvordan man kan detoxe forholdet sitt. Verdt en titt!
Nydelig liten artikkel om hvordan hjernen vår endres av trygge relasjoner – både i terapirommet og utenfor: Hjernen formes av bruken.
– Hjernen formes av bruken. Vi kan lindre smerte ved å arbeide med hjernens grunnstemning. Overøse mennesker med alt de ikke har fått av trygghet tidlig i livet. Til dette trenger vi fagpersoner som har et avklart forhold til seg selv, sine egne følelser og som nettopp derfor klarer å bygge trygge relasjoner.
– Vi står overfor et paradigmeskifte der vi ser på menneskelig smerte på en helt ny måte. I stedet for å dele den opp i hundrevis av diagnoser, ser vi fra forskningen at alt handler om regulering av følelser, om den mellommenneskelige nevrobiologien. Om å endre hjernens grunnstemning ved å gi mennesker det de ikke har fått, for å bli trygge, sier Mogens Albæk og Heine Steinkopf.
Hva angrer de døende på? Og hva kan det lære oss om hvordan vi skal leve?
Too often, it’s only as a patient realizes that he or she will lose their body that they finally appreciate how truly wonderful it is.
«I am going to miss this body so much,» a different patient, many decades younger, told me.
She held her hands up in the dim light that seeped through the sunshade on the window. She stared at them as though she had never seen them before.
«I’d never admit it to my husband and kids, but more than anything else, it’s my own body I’ll miss most of all. This body that danced and ate and swam and had sex and made babies. It’s amazing to think about it. This body actually made my children. It carried me through this world.»
Leste i dag tidlig Lene Marlins kronikk i Aftenposten, og synes den var såpass viktig at jeg vil publiserer den i sin helhet her. Med håp om at en som trenger akkurat en slik tekst, leser den.
This month, many Americans will take time off from work to go on vacation, catch up on household projects and simply be with family and friends. And many of us will feel guilty for doing so. We will worry about all of the emails piling up at work, and in many cases continue to compulsively check email during our precious time off.
But beware the false break. Make sure you have a real one. The summer vacation is more than a quaint tradition. Along with family time, mealtime and weekends, it is an important way that we can make the most of our beautiful brains.
Increasing creativity will happen naturally as we tame the multitasking and immerse ourselves in a single task for sustained periods of, say, 30 to 50 minutes. Several studies have shown that a walk in nature or listening to music can trigger the mind-wandering mode. This acts as a neural reset button, and provides much needed perspective on what you’re doing.
Daydreaming leads to creativity, and creative activities teach us agency, the ability to change the world, to mold it to our liking, to have a positive effect on our environment.
If we can train ourselves to take regular vacations — true vacations without work — and to set aside time for naps and contemplation, we will be in a more powerful position to start solving some of the world’s big problems. And to be happier and well rested while we’re doing it.
… når var egentlig sist du tenkte deg nøye om? En ny metastudie viser at majoriteten av oss faktisk synes det er ubehagelig å måtte sitte alene med tankene våre, selv om det bare er noen minutter:
“We had noted how wedded to our devices we all seem to be and that people seem to find any excuse they can to keep busy,” said Timothy Wilson, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia and lead author of the study. “No one had done a simple study letting people go off on their own and think.”
The results surprised him and have created a stir in the psychology and neuroscience communities. In 11 experiments involving more than 700 people, the majority of participants reported that they found it unpleasant to be alone in a room with their thoughts for just 6 to 15 minutes.
Moreover, in one experiment, 64 percent of men and 15 percent of women began self-administering electric shocks when left alone to think. These same people, by the way, had previously said they would pay money to avoid receiving the painful jolt.
It didn’t matter if the subjects engaged in the contemplative exercise at home or in the laboratory, or if they were given suggestions of what to think about, like a coming vacation; they just didn’t like being in their own heads.
It could be because human beings, when left alone, tend to dwell on what’s wrong in their lives. We have evolved to become problem solvers and meaning makers. What preys on our minds, when we aren’t updating our Facebook page or in spinning class, are the things we haven’t figured out — difficult relationships, personal and professional failures, money trouble, health concerns and so on. And until there is resolution, or at least some kind of understanding or acceptance, these thoughts reverberate in our heads. Hello rumination. Hello insomnia.
Noen ganger tenker jeg på hvor rart det er at vi som nasjon har bestemt at alle barn skal ha obligatorisk undervisning i norsk, geografi, matematikk, naturfag, samfunnsfag, kunst og håndverk og engelsk, mens kunnskap om tanker, følelser og relasjoner skal de bare absorbere på magisk vis. Jeg tror mye lidelse kunne vært unngått hvis følgende kunnskap om følelser ble inkludert i grunnskolepensum (hentet fra artikkelen 3 facts about feelings):
1. Følelser har en funksjon:
Yes, even negative emotions, such as sadness, anxiety and anger, can be illuminating.
For instance, you might think you need to stifle your sadness. However, wallowing in or shunning sadness may mean missing an important message: your job just doesn’t feel rewarding.
If you notice your sadness, you may realize “you need a job where you feel more stimulated. This may motivate you to think about career changes,” and if you share your feelings, the people around you may step in to help.Feeling your feelings gives you the opportunity to follow your inner wisdom.
2. Du kan føle noe uten å handle på det:
Sometimes, acting on our emotions doesn’t serve us, and the thoughts wrapped up in these feelings are inaccurate. For instance, after being rejected romantically, you feel unlovable. You may even interpret this as a cold, hard fact. If you let this feeling rule your behavior, you might stop taking care of yourself or seeking supportive relationships.
What’s more helpful is to acknowledge how you’re feeling and explore the accuracy of your thoughts. In the above example, while “this emotion may feel understandable,” it’s also not true, Taitz said.
3. Det er viktig å bearbeide følelser:
We store our feelings in the body, which can result in stress and physical symptoms such as hypertension, muscle tension, gastrointestinal problems [and] headaches. (…) Processing our feelings provides cathartic release and honors our experience.
In fact, many addictive behaviors, such as substance abuse and problematic spending, stem from believing emotions are too overwhelming and trying to run from them. Running from our emotions can keep us stuck. Sitting with them opens us up to growth and learning.
Hvordan har det seg at det ofte er først mot slutten av en terapitime at man kommer til de dypere, mer følelsesladde temaene? Kjempefin artikkel om nettopp dette hos PsychCentral: «Getting to the good part in therapy«. Les et utdrag her:
Therapy clients often come to therapy with a conscious agenda of what they want to talk about, but there is always an unconscious agenda as well. The top item on that agenda is the preservation of safety.
Some people find it difficult to feel safe in the presence of another person. In their experience, closeness and intimacy lead to shame, rejection, punishment, or domination. Even the most empathic therapist can feel like a formidable obstacle to a person whose vulnerability has been exploited or disregarded, particularly in their earliest relationships.
The invitation to allow oneself to be known is like a double-edged sword. We long to express our deep, personal thoughts and feelings, but we dread the negative consequences we’re used to experiencing when we do so. The psyche protects itself by only allowing access to material that has already been processed and is therefore safe to be known.
However, as the process of therapy continues and the client repeatedly experiences the therapist as caring, understanding and nonjudgmental, the psyche’s self-protective defenses begin to loosen. Sometimes it may only feel safe to “know” certain memories and their attendant feeling states for short periods of time, like in the last few minutes of the therapy hour.
Psychology Today har publisert en spennende artikkel av Jonathan Shedler om hva folk bør tenke over når de skal velge terapeut. Jeg synes dette gir mening! Les gjerne hele artikkelen for en mer grundig gjennomgang, eller nøy deg med følgende oppsummering:
So how do you choose a therapist? You steer clear of ideologues and experts-at-everything. You don’t search far and wide for someone who specializes in treating people with exactly your problem because there are no other people with exactly your problem. When you meet, notice whether the therapist seems more interested in you or your diagnosis. Notice whether the therapist invites you to think together about what is really the matter. Notice whether the two of you are able to develop a shared understanding of what is the matter that rings true to you, that was not already evident to you. The last part might take a few meetings but the trajectory should be moving in that direction from the beginning. If all of these ingredients are there, you’ve probably found a good one.