Er du flink til å krangle?

Det kan være slitsomt og vondt å krangle med partneren sin, og for mange er krangling såpass ubehagelig at de ender opp med å stille spørsmålstegn ved hele forholdet. I artikkelen Are You Just Fighting or Engaging in “Conscious Combat”? kan vi lese at par som får til å bevare kjærligheten over tid faktisk kan krangle ganske ofte, men er flinkere til å gjøre det på en konstruktiv måte. Her er et lite utdrag:

The belief or expectation that “good” couples don’t or shouldn’t fight prevents us from admitting to each other (or even to ourselves) that we may need to learn to manage our differences more skillfully and perhaps make some changes in the process. Since change can and usually does involve stepping into the unknown and being at risk of losing something, there is a pretty high likelihood that there will be some resistance to taking this step.

The alternative to doing so is to deny, avoid, or bury unresolved differences, which inevitably does damage to the foundation and trust level, of the relationship. It also diminishes the capacity for intimacy that is available in the relationship. Unaddressed differences and emotional “incompletions” inevitably diminish the quality of a couple’s connection by eroding feelings of affection to the point where nothing but resentment apathy, and bitterness exist between them. Divorce or worse (a continuation of a dead relationship) is likely to follow.

cold glow

This form of conflict management or “conscious combat” typically involves the following guidelines:

A willingness to acknowledge that a difference exists within the relationship and to identify the nature of that difference.
A stated intention on the part of both partners to work towards a mutually satisfying resolution to the problem.
A willingness to listen openly and non-defensively to each partner as they declare their concerns, requests, and desires. No interruptions or “corrections” ‘until the speaker is finished.
A desire on the part of both partners to understand what needs to happen in order for the each person to experience satisfaction with the outcome.
A commitment to speak without blame, judgment or criticism focusing exclusively on one’s own experience, needs and concerns.