Følelser og fakta

Noen ganger tenker jeg på hvor rart det er at vi som nasjon har bestemt at alle barn skal ha obligatorisk undervisning i norsk, geografi, matematikk, naturfag, samfunnsfag, kunst og håndverk og engelsk, mens kunnskap om tanker, følelser og relasjoner skal de bare absorbere på magisk vis. Jeg tror mye lidelse kunne vært unngått hvis følgende kunnskap om følelser ble inkludert i grunnskolepensum (hentet fra artikkelen 3 facts about feelings):

1. Følelser har en funksjon:

Yes, even negative emotions, such as sadness, anxiety and anger, can be illuminating.

For instance, you might think you need to stifle your sadness. However, wallowing in or shunning sadness may mean missing an important message: your job just doesn’t feel rewarding.

If you notice your sadness, you may realize “you need a job where you feel more stimulated. This may motivate you to think about career changes,” and if you share your feelings, the people around you may step in to help.Feeling your feelings gives you the opportunity to follow your inner wisdom.

2. Du kan føle noe uten å handle på det:

Sometimes, acting on our emotions doesn’t serve us, and the thoughts wrapped up in these feelings are inaccurate. For instance, after being rejected romantically, you feel unlovable. You may even interpret this as a cold, hard fact. If you let this feeling rule your behavior, you might stop taking care of yourself or seeking supportive relationships.

What’s more helpful is to acknowledge how you’re feeling and explore the accuracy of your thoughts. In the above example, while “this emotion may feel understandable,” it’s also not true, Taitz said.

3. Det er viktig å bearbeide følelser:

We store our feelings in the body, which can result in stress and physical symptoms such as hypertension, muscle tension, gastrointestinal problems [and] headaches. (…) Processing our feelings provides cathartic release and honors our experience.

In fact, many addictive behaviors, such as substance abuse and problematic spending, stem from believing emotions are too overwhelming and trying to run from them. Running from our emotions can keep us stuck. Sitting with them opens us up to growth and learning.

"Do feelings have taste?" av ArchanN

«Do feelings have taste?» av ArchanN

Myten om trassalderen

Jesper Juul, i Dagbladet:

Det begynner alltid med et smilende nei. En tilfeldig dag sier man: «La oss gå inn og spise». Barnet ser på den voksne, og sier «nei» med et nesten frydefullt smil rundt munnen og øynene. Fra da av er dette svaret på nesten alt det de voksne sier eller vil.

Dette frydefulle smilet har ingenting med trass å gjøre. Det kan best oversettes med: «Jeg har akkurat skjønt at du og jeg ikke er samme person. Vi er to ulike personer. Er ikke det gøy?». Med smilet og ordet «nei» feirer barnet oppdagelsen av sin egen selvstendighet. Både gleden over og viljen til autonomi og selvstendig utvikling varer med fredelige forhold i ett til halvannet års tid. Det lureste de voksne kan gjøre, er å svare med et hyggelig smil og gå inn til spisebordet. I løpet av 15 sekunder følger barnet etter. Det gjelder stort sett i alle situasjoner.


Tips fra en svunnen barndom

Artikkel fra lifehack.org: Ten Things Everyone Needs To Learn From Their Childhood Self:

1. Be more trusting of others; let others in instead of building barriers
As we get older, life throws us challenges and sometimes those challenges cause us to shut off from the world in order to protect ourselves. We get hurt and we quickly learn to judge others and build barriers to keep others and the world at bay. This gives us a sense of control but it also fosters loneliness and disconnection from others. Learn to let the barriers down and allow others to get to know the real you. The more someone knows you, the more empathy they will have for you. The world will seem a warmer, friendlier place.

2. Adopt an open, honest attitude and express yourself freely
Children speak their minds but this isn’t taken the wrong way because young children do not operate with malicious intent. They just express congruency between their inner world and their outer world. Freedom of expression starts to dwindle as we get older. Society conditions us to keep quiet and behave. In this way, we tend to lose a small part of our true character in an effort to fit in and be acceptable in society. By expressing yourself and resisting the urge to always be politically correct, you are honoring your childhood self. Speak your mind and be open in a positive way. Compliment others and spread goodwill. You’ll be making the world a better place.

3. Wear your heart on your sleeve
There is an innocence and a delicate trust that children show when they wear their hearts on their sleeves, yet they do it naturally. They will tell someone that they like them or that they would like to spend time with them. Adults who often fear rejection, hide their true intentions leading many interactions to resemble a guessing game. When we don’t trust the world, we focus on our suspicions and our thinking changes the way we interact with others. We treat others with caution and unwittingly change the whole dynamic of the social interaction by way of our behavior. Actively choose to see the good in others, learn to trust and people will more often than not meet that expectation in a positive way. When we give others the chance to help us or do the right thing, they will often oblige.

4. Rediscover your curiosity about life, love and the ways of the world
Being inquisitive involves understanding that there is still so much to learn. We never stop learning no matter what age we are. Children constantly ask “Why?” and this is a habit that we tend to grow out of. Start asking yourself “why” instead of just accepting the status quo. Our childhood self had a hunger for knowledge that helped us grow and discover. You are never too old to learn and understand more. An active brain keeps the mind healthy and strong- it needs to be exercised, just like the rest of your body. Curiosity is a virtue.

5. Foster optimism about the future
Do you remember how excited you used to be just before Christmas? That feeling of intense joy and anticipation is hard to beat. Rekindle that childlike emotion by expecting good things in your future. As adults, we tend to be more cynical and almost expect disappointment but this can set us up for failure. Expect the best and try not to constantly imagine all the things that could go wrong. Imagine that the best is yet to come and trust that things will turn out okay. Even if they don’t turn out as you expected, deal with what comes your way without torturing yourself needlessly with negative anticipation.

6. Dream big and imagine the impossible
How often have you heard a child say something like “One day, I am going to be an astronaut”. Our adult minds immediately scoff at this idea and think about all the logical reasons as to why this might never happen…financial restrictions, competition from others to find a job and so on. We employ self limiting beliefs without even realizing it and in the process.  We minimize our chances of attaining what we dream about. It’s okay to dream big just as our childhood self did. As the saying goes “you can’t score a goal if you aren’t on the playing field.”

7. Maintain a “can do” attitude
Most children tend to think positively rather than negatively. Once we become adults, our thinking tends to default to the negative. Our childhood self looked at possibilities. If we wanted to build a tree house, we would go about thinking about how to make it happen instead of focusing on all the reasons it might not happen. This is an important attitude to nurture. It can fill your life with possibilities rather than regrets.

8. Be playful and silly sometimes
All work and no play makes a person very dull (and miserable!). Children spend a large amount of time escaping from reality to mess about and have fun. Make time for your childhood self to come out and play. Run around the garden, wear a silly hat or spend time laughing. All of these activities release endorphins – that ‘feel good’ hormone that makes us feel happy and alive. Life can be too serious sometimes so make sure to lighten your life up with a little fun.

9. Live in the moment
There’s a lot to be said for enjoying the present moment. Often, we’re either resentful about the past or worrying about the future. When we do this, we suck the enjoyment out of the present moment by not being fully present in the here and now.  As a child, life was lived as it played out – then and there. Your childhood self was present in the moment and enjoying everything that was happening around them as it happened. Your childhood self savored every moment and rarely worried about the past or the future. This is one of the keys to happiness.

10. No hidden agenda
What you see is what you get. Young children very rarely have a hidden agenda and your childhood self was no exception. That childlike innocence that is devoid of assumptions and prejudices. You still have this skill within you. See the world at face value, like a child would and you will enjoy a more peaceful existence. As adults we torture ourselves with ideas about what someone intended or why they behaved a certain way. Often, we will never know but we nevertheless agonize over situations and possible “what ifs.” When you take situations at face value, the innuendo and game playing goes over your head and cannot bother you.

We automatically assume that as adults, we are wiser than when we were children but there is a lot to learn from our childhood self. That raw, true element of our nature that lived life with no holds barred and worried less about outcomes, possessed wisdom. Reconnecting with your childhood self allows freedom and creativity to flourish. Approach the world with an open mind, judge less and laugh often and you will be on your way to rediscovering your childhood self.

Eksistensiell depresjon hos begavede barn

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person’s life make?

Les mer her: Existential depression in gifted children Bilde

«Søte» unger

Den progressive pedagogen John Holt har mange spennende tanker. Har du for eksempel tenkt over hvilken skade vi kan forårsake ved å kalle barn søte når de prøver å få til noe?

To whatever voice in me says, «Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to pick up that dear little child and give him a big hug and kiss,» I reply, «No, no, no, that child doesn’t want to be picked up, hugged, and kissed, he wants to walk. He doesn’t know or care whether I like it or not, he is not walking for the approval or happiness of me or even for his parents beside him, but for himself. It is his show. Don’t try to turn him into an actor in your show. Leave him alone to get on with his work.»

We often think children are most cute when they are most intent and serious about what they are doing. In our minds we say to the child, «You think that what you are doing is important; we know it’s not; like everything else in your life that you take seriously, it is trivial.» We smile tenderly at the child carefully patting his mud pie. We feel that mud pie is not serious and all the work he is putting into it is a waste (though we may tell him in a honey-dearie voice that it is a beautiful mud pie). But he doesn’t know that; in his ignorance he is just as serious as if he were doing something important. How satisfying for us to feel we know better.

Eller at små barn ikke ser på seg selv som søte?

Because children do not think of each other as cute, they often seem to be harder on each other than we think we would be. They are blunt and unsparing. But on the whole this frankness, which accepts the other as a complete person, even if one not always or altogether admired, is less harmful to the children than the way many adults deal with them.

Much of what we respond to in children as cute is not strength or virtue, real or imagined, but weakness, a quality which gives us power over them or helps us to feel superior. Thus we think they are cute partly because they are little. But what is cute about being little? Children understand this very well. They are not at all sentimental about their own littleness. They would rather be big than little, and they want to get big as soon as they can.

Fra essayet: On Seeing Children as «Cute»


Hvordan omtaler vi barna våre?

Psykolog Willy-Tore Mørch setter i gårsdagens Aftenposten fokus på noe utrolig viktig, nemlig hvordan vi omtaler barna våre. Jeg husker selv mange av merkelappene jeg fikk som liten, både de positive og negative. Hvordan beskriver du selv barna dine? Og hvordan ble du selv omtalt som barn?

Du kan høre ti hyggelige ting og én negativ ting om deg selv. Hva husker du? Den negative. Sånn er det også med barn. Det krever tid og krefter å bygge opp barnets selvfølelse, men det er fort gjort å ødelegge den.

Kort forklart handler selvtillit om barnets tro på seg selv og egne evner, mens selvfølelse handler om hvordan barnet har det med seg selv. Negative karakteristikker kan skade begge deler.

– Tilbakemeldingene du får på deg selv som person er med på å forme din personlighet, og vi søker stadig etter bekreftelse på disse karakteristikkene. Barnet kan ende opp med å oppfatte seg selv som for eksempel lat uten å helt skjønne hvor det kommer fra. Det vil også påvirke hvordan han oppfører seg, sier Aune.

Les hele saken i Aftenpostens nettutgave.

Et krevende barn? Et kreativt barn?